Sunday, September 28, 2008

But what will I DO?

I always feel better in uncertain times if there is something I can be doing. Anything. Even if it's just making lists of things to think about later.

This transitional period we are in is very, very hard for me. The Lord keeps telling me to be still and rest. Oh, and I try SO hard, but there's always something to consider.

What if...

Yeah, but...

Okay, so...

on and on it goes. Yesterday I did pretty well. I spent the whole day focusing on just that one day. Just that 24 hour period and nothing before it or after it. It wasn't restful at all. It was a huge, pain-in-the-hindquarters struggle. But I did it.

Today I'm not doing nearly as well. I stopped by the game store today to take my pre-order of the new Harvest Moon game off and put it on the Animal Crossing game due out Thanksgiving week. I have been looking forward to that dumb game all summer, but I decided that I didn't need the game as much as I needed something under the tree for the kids this Christmas. Well, that right there is thinking ahead: Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My mom and sister have already cancelled our family celebration for this year. They don't trust my car to drive that far (neither do I) and can't help us afford gas to come for a visit. And, I guess, since no one can afford presents they figure there's no reason to get together.

This really kinda breaks my heart. Both my sister and I have had such a hard time these last couple months and the bosom of family is somewhere I would like to think I could go. I am not a family-get-together person. I chafe at the idea of family reunions and the holidays are almost always miserable for me. But I was actually looking forward to the idea that if worst comes to worst and we are STILL in this limbotown come December, at least I would have a week with those who have to love me no matter what to decompress from the state of mind I would no doubt be in.

So, see where it leads? See how the spiral of thinking leads downward for me? Other than sparing myself the frustration and physical exhaustion of moving, I can't think of a single positive about being here three months from now. I really didn't think I'd still be here at the end of September. I really had it in my head that we'd be taking posession of our new house on October 1. I guess that was just wishful thinking.

It's not like I hung my faith on it, but wow. It really never occurred to me that we could still be here on October 1.

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