Okay, well, it's been a really interesting month so far. My toe/foot is still very, very painful. I can be up and around for about 20 minutes before I MUST sit, though, so things are starting to get done again.
Hubby went to the doctor to get refills on all his prescriptions. Without insurance, just walking into the doctor's office cost $120. He's down to four Rxs now, and thankfully, the expensive one has gone generic, so instead of $500, it's "only" $300. Yowza. We can't even afford to pick them up, so I have no idea how he is going to get through the next 1o days of no sleep.
Several other unusual payments have come due this month, and with 13 days left in the month, our bank balance zeroed out. We gathered up all the money we were given for Christmas (thanks, Mom!) and deposited it, so at least we're not in the red. But I have no idea at all what we are going to do for food and gasoline for almost 2 weeks.
February is going to be even worse. In February, our property taxes (of $1000) come due. We also have several other major expenses that put our budget out of whack by more than $2500. I can't wait to see what God does to rescue us from this annual pit. Yeah, sure, it'd be real good to set money aside all year for the February pit, wouldn't it? Sure, if there were no such thing as car breakdowns, sudden medical costs, and the like.
I've asked for all the hours I can work, which means bad food, unattended kids (no, not really, we both work at home so they aren't unattended, just not as attended as they usually are) and stress. Yuck. But I'm thankful for the hours that will bring in a teensy bit of money. It's not enough for groceries even (nope, not even beans and rice three meals a day) but it's something.
Then there's chicken pox. When the Christmas break was over and the public school kids were ready to go back, we had a snow "storm" (half an inch) that cancelled school for three days. My two youngest got to play with a friend they haven't seen in a year. She's just been through a divorce and there's no time for friends anymore. Three days later, we get a call: she's got chicken pox and my girls have been exposed. Oh, and the little girl had been immunized, so we have a 50/50 chance that the variation we have is beyond our immunity.
Back in October, my mother in law and I began planning a big surprise birthday party for hubby. He turns 50 this year and LOVES parties. This would be his first since our marriage. Of course, with a pending plague in the house, we had to cancel the party. And the plane tickets his brothers bought to fly out. And his mother's plans. And, and, and...
Oy.
I've been kind of low the last couple weeks. I'm sure glad it costs nothing to lay in bed because that's just about all I'm interested in doing right now.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, November 10, 2008
I think I know one reason...
In earlier posts, I've mused that the Lord has His reasons for hubby being unemployed. I think I might know one of them. This will come as a shock to you, but I'm kind of easily swayed by my circumstances. ("DUH!" I hear you say, "Tell me something I don't know!")
Even just reading over my blog posts I see how I've been swinging wildly. Living it has been even more crazy. My faith/fear factor can change hourly. Oh, double-minded me of little faith.
I think maybe, just perhaps, this opportunity has been granted me so I can grow a little and get on more even footing in my faithwalk. No, it's probably not the only reason, but it's one I can see.
What brought on this great insight? The rush of relief when an advance check for a freelance project arrived in our bank account! Ahhhh, sweet.
Off to work on the lesson to be learned...
Even just reading over my blog posts I see how I've been swinging wildly. Living it has been even more crazy. My faith/fear factor can change hourly. Oh, double-minded me of little faith.
I think maybe, just perhaps, this opportunity has been granted me so I can grow a little and get on more even footing in my faithwalk. No, it's probably not the only reason, but it's one I can see.
What brought on this great insight? The rush of relief when an advance check for a freelance project arrived in our bank account! Ahhhh, sweet.
Off to work on the lesson to be learned...
Friday, October 10, 2008
Okay, I feel a little better now
It's quite a rollercoaster I'm riding these days. I pray for the faith that would keep me on an even keel.
At the recommendation of a Christian businessman and friend of mine, I recently read "The Four Hour Workweek." I do not recommend it generally. It has a lot of suggestions that cross the line for my overworked code of ethics (inflating the quantity of work you do at home while decreasing productivity in the office for the purpose of convincing your boss to allow you to telecommute.)
But he did have one interesting thing to say about my circumstances. He suggested I spend a little time in absolute destitution and face that which I actually fear. He laid it all out in glorious black and white. When faced with the stark reality of that degree of poverty, I suddenly realized two things (which I'd known all along and allowed my fear to shield from me):
After all, I've just survived two years in the South! I got over that hurdle, so bring it on!
At the recommendation of a Christian businessman and friend of mine, I recently read "The Four Hour Workweek." I do not recommend it generally. It has a lot of suggestions that cross the line for my overworked code of ethics (inflating the quantity of work you do at home while decreasing productivity in the office for the purpose of convincing your boss to allow you to telecommute.)
But he did have one interesting thing to say about my circumstances. He suggested I spend a little time in absolute destitution and face that which I actually fear. He laid it all out in glorious black and white. When faced with the stark reality of that degree of poverty, I suddenly realized two things (which I'd known all along and allowed my fear to shield from me):
- It wouldn't be THAT bad. No, really. I mean, it's not as bad as being in that situation and alone, right? I'd still have my precious hunkybunny beside me, and my beautiful children to love. That would go a long way toward comforting me.
- Would the Lord really let his people dumpster dive for food? Hm. Yes...and no. I mean it wouldn't really speak well of Him to have the world pointing at us as an example of "His People." But, He has been known to use the low and foolish to instruct the righteous, so yeah, I can see it might happen. But if it did happen, He would be there.
After all, I've just survived two years in the South! I got over that hurdle, so bring it on!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Oh my. Oh my. Oh my.
It's October. The severance pay runs out this month. We have no job offers, no interviews, no bites. I just did a "bare bones analysis" of our finances. To keep our house, food on the table and the electricity on, we need $5000 a month after taxes. To keep the prescriptions running, keep braces on the kid who is already braced, payments current on the dentist bill and hubby's back in line, we need another $1200 a month which includes the cost of insurance. No insurance? $2400 a month.
Those totals mean:
no TV ("free" TV isn't available here)
no Netflix (we're already on the lowest-priced plan)
no internet (this would be nearly impossible, the three jobs hubby and I are working right now absolutely depend on internet access)
one tank of gas a week (we are using two tanks a week right now)
the lowest cost phone plan (we switched over to this on October 1)
turning OFF the AC and heat (we turned off the AC on September 20, despite several 90 degree days since. Heat will eventually be more important.)
turning off the cell phone (we switched to pay-as-you-go on August 1 and have turned off the phone already)
handwashing dishes with water heated on the stove (I'm hesitant to do that because each time we've tried it in the past we have contracted viruses that hang around for months)
hanging laundry out to dry (I prefer air-dried clothes, but hubby is adamant. He even told me he thought it was illegal in this state to erect clotheslines. What a joker.)
no Christmas gifts (this will hurt. It's been a scary, hard time for the kids already. Compounding it with the thought of no gifts might push several of us—okay, ME—over the edge.)
two meals a day and beans and rice three times a week (eh, we'd probably be healthier for it. But the thought of having hungry children makes me very, very sad.)
We are talking seriously bare bones. And I can do it, I've done it in the past and I can do it again. I'm not complaining.
I'm panicking.
Because even if we turn off and get down to the bare-bones-level, there still needs to be $6200-7400 a month after taxes coming in as of November 1. I can make probably $1400 a month working outside the home, tops. Hubby's bringing in about $2500 a month with freelance work. My two little work-at-home jobs bring in about $400 a month, but if I work outside the home, one of those will have to end. We could send Blair to work, and she could probably make another $1400 which would bring us within shooting distance of our rock-bottom goal. But if we two are at work all day, we will both need clothes, and who would cook? Clean? Homeschool?
Okay. There. I've panicked and now I need to be done and move on.
I work this into my schedule every so often. Just panic, get it over with and move on. Admittedly, it's going to be harder to move on from now on because, after all, it's October.
Those totals mean:
no TV ("free" TV isn't available here)
no Netflix (we're already on the lowest-priced plan)
no internet (this would be nearly impossible, the three jobs hubby and I are working right now absolutely depend on internet access)
one tank of gas a week (we are using two tanks a week right now)
the lowest cost phone plan (we switched over to this on October 1)
turning OFF the AC and heat (we turned off the AC on September 20, despite several 90 degree days since. Heat will eventually be more important.)
turning off the cell phone (we switched to pay-as-you-go on August 1 and have turned off the phone already)
handwashing dishes with water heated on the stove (I'm hesitant to do that because each time we've tried it in the past we have contracted viruses that hang around for months)
hanging laundry out to dry (I prefer air-dried clothes, but hubby is adamant. He even told me he thought it was illegal in this state to erect clotheslines. What a joker.)
no Christmas gifts (this will hurt. It's been a scary, hard time for the kids already. Compounding it with the thought of no gifts might push several of us—okay, ME—over the edge.)
two meals a day and beans and rice three times a week (eh, we'd probably be healthier for it. But the thought of having hungry children makes me very, very sad.)
We are talking seriously bare bones. And I can do it, I've done it in the past and I can do it again. I'm not complaining.
I'm panicking.
Because even if we turn off and get down to the bare-bones-level, there still needs to be $6200-7400 a month after taxes coming in as of November 1. I can make probably $1400 a month working outside the home, tops. Hubby's bringing in about $2500 a month with freelance work. My two little work-at-home jobs bring in about $400 a month, but if I work outside the home, one of those will have to end. We could send Blair to work, and she could probably make another $1400 which would bring us within shooting distance of our rock-bottom goal. But if we two are at work all day, we will both need clothes, and who would cook? Clean? Homeschool?
Okay. There. I've panicked and now I need to be done and move on.
I work this into my schedule every so often. Just panic, get it over with and move on. Admittedly, it's going to be harder to move on from now on because, after all, it's October.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Grinding to a halt
I had to quit my "Independent Contractor" job. I wasn't able to earn enough to make up for the price of gas. Fortunately, that's one of those jobs that I can pick back up again if gas prices drop and no one will be the wiser. I also have put my Amazon bookstore on vacation hold. Early last summer I was selling two or three books a day. I cancelled my Endicia account which allowed me to mail sales from home because of their monthly fees and the job uncertainty. Then the price of gas went bananas. Now that my sales have declined to one or two books a week, the numbers work out that driving to the post office (when I didn't have another trip out scheduled anyway) eats up all my profit.
The release date of Harvest Moon Tree of Tranquility was pushed back to October 1. Our family has a long-standing rule that you DO NOT PURCHASE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF AFTER SEPTEMBER 30 because I usually start Christmas shopping in earnest on October 1. I'm collecting things all year, but the serious shopping begins 10/1. So, I can't get myself the game I've been waiting months for.
So here I sit. I've packed pretty much all I can without boxing up things we need for everyday living. I can't really clean any more because, as I learned from the hall walls I cleaned earlier this month, there's no keeping anything clean and it will just have to be redone. I have no distractions to keep me from obsessing over the job situation. I have nothing to do but sit and rerun numbers in my head: How long till the money runs out? How much do I have to make to get family health insurance and break even financially? Can I make that at Walmart? What is the billing cycle on the electrical, and how much can I save if I turn off the AC now? If gas costs x and it's y miles to the grocery store, can I save enough in coupons to go to the "good" store or do I have to shop at the store that's closer where the meat department smells suspicious?
The kids have started having nightmares. A sure sign of stress they're sensing from me. Christy couldn't sleep last night because she didn't want to go to heaven (!). It was a "fear of change" moment, and I wasn't in an emotional place to help her. I'm more in a "fear of not change" thing right now. What if we DON'T get a job soon?
Keeping busy used to help. Now that there's less to keep busy with, I'm floundering. I'm failing this test that I want so badly to pass.
The release date of Harvest Moon Tree of Tranquility was pushed back to October 1. Our family has a long-standing rule that you DO NOT PURCHASE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF AFTER SEPTEMBER 30 because I usually start Christmas shopping in earnest on October 1. I'm collecting things all year, but the serious shopping begins 10/1. So, I can't get myself the game I've been waiting months for.
So here I sit. I've packed pretty much all I can without boxing up things we need for everyday living. I can't really clean any more because, as I learned from the hall walls I cleaned earlier this month, there's no keeping anything clean and it will just have to be redone. I have no distractions to keep me from obsessing over the job situation. I have nothing to do but sit and rerun numbers in my head: How long till the money runs out? How much do I have to make to get family health insurance and break even financially? Can I make that at Walmart? What is the billing cycle on the electrical, and how much can I save if I turn off the AC now? If gas costs x and it's y miles to the grocery store, can I save enough in coupons to go to the "good" store or do I have to shop at the store that's closer where the meat department smells suspicious?
The kids have started having nightmares. A sure sign of stress they're sensing from me. Christy couldn't sleep last night because she didn't want to go to heaven (!). It was a "fear of change" moment, and I wasn't in an emotional place to help her. I'm more in a "fear of not change" thing right now. What if we DON'T get a job soon?
Keeping busy used to help. Now that there's less to keep busy with, I'm floundering. I'm failing this test that I want so badly to pass.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Breathing deeply helps
As long as I keep my focus on what I know to be true in my heart—that the Lord wouldn't allow us to starve, that He has a plan for getting us employed and moved, that all things work together for our good—I'm okay.
But when I look at the reality (or talk to my mother-in-law), I start panicking.
Five kids. No income. No prospects. No insurance. A car held together with rubber bands and bubble gum. Gas at $4.25 a gallon. Milk at $5 a gallon. A hubby with health problems. One kid with bad enough allergies that daily medications are required. Me with physical limitations. None of us but hubby capable of making the kind of income necessary. A limited number of companies in his field. Shockingly few jobs at his level. None available.
We were offered a free car the other day. Would you believe we can't afford a free car? If it were something we could all fit into, I'd take it in a heartbeat. But it's a five-seater, which means two of us would have to stay home from wherever the rest of us go. And as a second car, we couldn't afford the additional insurance and registration on the darned thing, even if it did save us in gas money. Our van gets 13 MPG, so just about anything would save us gas money!
Okay. I have to stop now. I'm getting worked up again, and my hives are starting to break out again. Time for some more deep-breathing.
But when I look at the reality (or talk to my mother-in-law), I start panicking.
Five kids. No income. No prospects. No insurance. A car held together with rubber bands and bubble gum. Gas at $4.25 a gallon. Milk at $5 a gallon. A hubby with health problems. One kid with bad enough allergies that daily medications are required. Me with physical limitations. None of us but hubby capable of making the kind of income necessary. A limited number of companies in his field. Shockingly few jobs at his level. None available.
We were offered a free car the other day. Would you believe we can't afford a free car? If it were something we could all fit into, I'd take it in a heartbeat. But it's a five-seater, which means two of us would have to stay home from wherever the rest of us go. And as a second car, we couldn't afford the additional insurance and registration on the darned thing, even if it did save us in gas money. Our van gets 13 MPG, so just about anything would save us gas money!
Okay. I have to stop now. I'm getting worked up again, and my hives are starting to break out again. Time for some more deep-breathing.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
I'm inspired/fearful/faithful
My friend SlugMom walks. I've always sort of envied people who exercise everyday and enjoy it. Not just because they enjoy it, but because they can.
I've had a minor disability for most of my adult life that causes me moderate to severe pain when I walk. I've had 13 surgeries to try to correct the issue, and I'm not in any hurry to jump back under the knife again to make it "better" when all the previous attempts have just made it worse. I even had one doctor tell me I had a finite number of "steps" left in each leg. So I have contented myself with doing whatever I could whenever I could and rejoicing in that ability. But part of me has always wanted more.
My disability has waned in these last few months. I've been getting around the house without my cane for the first time in at least 10 years. I've been off the triple-punch meds (NSAID/SSRI/pain med) since December, only taking the pain med when it gets bad.
We cleaned out the garage last week. We gathered up all the moving trash to put in one area for junk pickup. Hubby decided he wanted to junk his recliner because it's broken and getting dangerous to sit on - it tends to fall to pieces when reclined! So we moved that down to the junk pile as well. With the reorganized living room, we decided to bring up the treadmill.
That single action might have saved me from a heart attack.
We've had the treadmill in the garage for a very long time, but I haven't used it. But up here in the air conditioned house right there in front of the TV, it's too convenient to not use! I've walked every day but one in the past week for at least 30 minutes each time. Friday's walk was fast and a good portion was uphill and boy, did my lungs burn!
But, after walking for 30 minutes, I fall asleep for almost an hour. I did some research and discovered that means my heart is not in good shape. Dangerously so. I haven't had a single symptom that there were problems. I have a good resting heart rate, great BP, low cholesterol, all the "numbers" are good. That really lit a match under me.
Of course, knowing that tends to strike fear in my heart, and I certainly don't need that. Because, predictably, last night my legs rebelled against walking. I didn't start hurting until the last three steps, and quit immediately, but within 30 minutes of being done I was in such pain it took two pain pills to get me where I could sit still and relax and not writhe in pain and cry. And the crying was only 75% from the pain, the other 25% was the fear "What if that's it? What if I can't walk anymore? What if I can't exercise anymore and my heart gives out and I die and leave all these little sweeties without a Mom?"
I hate fear.
And I'm NOT going there again. I'm not going to get all hyper-spiritual here, but I believe that God has a purpose for my life and won't call me home until His purpose for me is fulfilled. If my job here is done (even if I think it's not) He will call me home and it will be fine. If He wants me to stay, I'll stay and it will be fine. Either way, I'm going to trust His plan for me and my family and not worry about what I can or cannot do to save my own life. Sure, I'll eat right and exercise when I can, and do what I know to do to take care of this body, but no more fear.
I've had a minor disability for most of my adult life that causes me moderate to severe pain when I walk. I've had 13 surgeries to try to correct the issue, and I'm not in any hurry to jump back under the knife again to make it "better" when all the previous attempts have just made it worse. I even had one doctor tell me I had a finite number of "steps" left in each leg. So I have contented myself with doing whatever I could whenever I could and rejoicing in that ability. But part of me has always wanted more.
My disability has waned in these last few months. I've been getting around the house without my cane for the first time in at least 10 years. I've been off the triple-punch meds (NSAID/SSRI/pain med) since December, only taking the pain med when it gets bad.
We cleaned out the garage last week. We gathered up all the moving trash to put in one area for junk pickup. Hubby decided he wanted to junk his recliner because it's broken and getting dangerous to sit on - it tends to fall to pieces when reclined! So we moved that down to the junk pile as well. With the reorganized living room, we decided to bring up the treadmill.
That single action might have saved me from a heart attack.
We've had the treadmill in the garage for a very long time, but I haven't used it. But up here in the air conditioned house right there in front of the TV, it's too convenient to not use! I've walked every day but one in the past week for at least 30 minutes each time. Friday's walk was fast and a good portion was uphill and boy, did my lungs burn!
But, after walking for 30 minutes, I fall asleep for almost an hour. I did some research and discovered that means my heart is not in good shape. Dangerously so. I haven't had a single symptom that there were problems. I have a good resting heart rate, great BP, low cholesterol, all the "numbers" are good. That really lit a match under me.
Of course, knowing that tends to strike fear in my heart, and I certainly don't need that. Because, predictably, last night my legs rebelled against walking. I didn't start hurting until the last three steps, and quit immediately, but within 30 minutes of being done I was in such pain it took two pain pills to get me where I could sit still and relax and not writhe in pain and cry. And the crying was only 75% from the pain, the other 25% was the fear "What if that's it? What if I can't walk anymore? What if I can't exercise anymore and my heart gives out and I die and leave all these little sweeties without a Mom?"
I hate fear.
And I'm NOT going there again. I'm not going to get all hyper-spiritual here, but I believe that God has a purpose for my life and won't call me home until His purpose for me is fulfilled. If my job here is done (even if I think it's not) He will call me home and it will be fine. If He wants me to stay, I'll stay and it will be fine. Either way, I'm going to trust His plan for me and my family and not worry about what I can or cannot do to save my own life. Sure, I'll eat right and exercise when I can, and do what I know to do to take care of this body, but no more fear.
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